Howl at the Moon

I have recently been traveling around Iraq with a middle aged man suffering from weird digestion problems, and fermentation of the brain (a condition I felt the need to invent for this special case). I have never been around someone that burps, farts, wheezes, hiccups, snorts, and generally makes noises of discomfort so frequently. Obviously, ailments such as these make it hard for others like myself to sleep soundly. What’s even more nauseating is when the man isn’t sleeping he devotes his time to worthless conversation, and incessant psycho-babble. However, one of my goals in life is to be a supreme optimist. After careful consideration I have decided this man, who will remain unnamed, has given me deep insight into the animal kingdom, and I, the optimist, could not be more grateful for his donation of knowledge so kindly granted to me. After all, it is not often that our human spirits are likely to feel closely akin to that of the bear, the wolf, or the whale. I will however explain to you why I admire, or now understand more clearly some of the actions of our pea brained friends that rule the forest and the sea.

First off, the brown bear, Ursus arctos, usually lives its life as an individual except for a few weeks out of the year when it devotes a large amount of time to mating. It also eats voraciously to store up large amounts of fat to maintain health during its sixth month winter fiesta. How can you not admire the genius of a creature that surrenders itself to six months of peace? The brown bear puts up with all the bull-crap he/she can take, and then succumbs to a nap for half a year. I think if I were furry I would do the same. However, the human skin was not meant to go through the same type of drastic growth that Mr. Ursus arctos can endure. Can you imagine waking up after six months in a pile of skin folds and not being able to escape? Nevertheless, one must admire the bear’s unique outlook on dealing with stress.

The pilot whale, or Globicephala macrorhynchus is one of the aquatic mammals found beached the most especially along the Eastern cost of the United States. It is very sad that any great beast of the sea should find itself in such a hairy predicament, but I have discovered the cause. These animals have within their lengthy lifespan encountered many other creatures of the sea with displeasing bellows, hi pitched squeals, and low frequency moans. As a solution to this the ever present audible unrest that they are forced to endure they have hastily decided to become land dwellers in search of greater peace. Unfortunatley, only their courage survives the pilgrimage to a better habitat. I can’t really blame them for trying, and my heart goes out to all that went so far but couldn’t go any further.

Ahhh…. The animal I find myself a brother to, the animal who truly inspired the blues, I introduce you to Canis lupus, the Timberwolf, Eric Clapton with a cold wet nose, and a soft jacket. When times get tough the old timberwolf finds a place to be alone, plants his rear end on a nice surface, cocks his head back, and howls at the moon. This helps the bloodthirsty dog to release the negative energy he harbors deep within the soul. Not only is this artistic but it is a statesman like characteristic. The wolf doesn’t run or escape from the problems that weigh heavy on his heart, he merely expresses himself honestly, and in a fashion his peers can understand. The lone ranger of the animal kingdom is the timberwolf, and he greaves with fashion and beauty teaching us all a lesson that we must learn… And that my friends is what I have just completed. – The End